To Be Loved is to Be Destroyed
by JoyScott13
Summary: "I've had enough of your mind games."


At some point, Jace had lost track of time. Had it been days or weeks since he'd walked away from his friends, from Clary's screams, from his parabatai, from his family? He'd left to protect them from Valentine's threats; to save them. From himself. He'd left to be with his father, where that little voice in the back of his head says he always should have been. In his rightful place. He doesn't deserve any better.

Every second of every day Jace missed the Institute, his home, and most importantly the people in it. He could feel how weak his parabatai bond with Alec was, and the ache of being apart from him was almost too much to bear. His time with his father so far had been a brutal blur, and Jace wasn't sure he could stay sane, stay himself for much longer. His father had a way of breaking through Jace's understanding of the world, confusing everything. Jace wasn't sure who he was anymore, all he knew was that there was something dark inside of him, and he could feel it growing stronger each day he spent here. He could feel his father encouraging it. It took all he had to fight it, and he wasn't even sure if it was a battle he could win.

Running a hand through his hair, Jace looked around his small room. It felt as though the walls were closing in, and he needed to get out. He knew he couldn't walk off the ship to go home, if the Institute could even be called his home anymore, – Valentine liked to remind him that the Lightwoods would never want him back, not now that they knew who he really was – Valentine's sentries would stop him if he tried, and outnumbered as he was, it wasn't a fight even he could win on his own. But he could go anywhere he wanted on the ship itself. And right now he needed fresh air. At this time of night the upper deck was usually deserted, especially when his father had taken a group out on some mysterious mission, as he had tonight. Jace hadn't been required for this one, thankfully. _That's my boy._

Jace shuddered, jumping to his feet. He needed to get outside, to feel some semblance of freedom, even if it was only a pretence. Recently it didn't even feel as though he had the freedom of his own mind; he was so unsure of everything he'd once known to be true. He _knew_ Valentine was wrong, was evil. He _knew_ that Alec and Isabelle and Max and Clary, oh god Clary, were good. He knew that they loved him, or thought that they did. But his father was right, and all he'd ever done is cause them pain. He wasn't sure what the right thing to do was anymore. Jace felt so tired, he just wanted to wake up at the Institute, to feel safe, to feel secure, as he had when he'd thought his father was dead and 'Valentine' had only been a name out of history, whispered in hushed voices. Before he'd known the truth.

He could never have that life now. It didn't belong to him. It never had.

Lost in thought, Jace made it out onto the deck, leaning heavily against the railing. Jace took a deep breath of cold night air. If he closed his eyes, he could almost imagine that he was somewhere else. But it was dangerous to imagine such things, dangerous to admit to himself just how badly he wanted to be anywhere but here. It made facing this reality that much harder.

It wasn't that Jace wasn't looking for a way out; he was, a part of his brain was constantly scanning for possible escape routes. He was trying to gather as much information as he could, information to take back to the Clave. Enough information to make all of this worth it, the pain, the fear, the- That purpose kept Jace going when he felt at his weakest. He would help his family, some good would come out of this.

Alone, Jace felt closer to being sure of that; that he would one day be back with his family – the people he had come to think of as family. But whenever Valentine was around, his head felt so clouded. Although he didn't look like the man who had raised him, his mannerisms, words, expressions and actions gave him away. It was jarring. As was being back under his control.

Jace took another deep breath, feeling incredibly alone as he looked out across the water. He wondered what the Lightwoods were doing now. He wondered if they were worried about him, if they missed him. _Of course they do_ , one part of him whispered. _Not now that they know who you really are_ , the other part retorted, growing louder every day, with each second that passed while Jace was with his father. _I don't want to be alive if we're on different sides, Alec._ Some days Jace thought he might drown in it.

"Jace?" the sound of that ever so familiar voice shot through Jace, like a spear of disbelief, hope and relief, straight through his heart.

 _Alec._

Jace spun around, and sure enough his parabatai was standing just a few feet away from him. Jace couldn't believe that this was really happening. He'd missed him so much. Alec stepped forwards, making as if to embrace him.

"No." Jace gestured for him to stop, "You shouldn't be here. If you're found, I can't-" Jace's mind was racing. This was bad. This was very, very bad. How was Alec here? Why was Alec here? What would his father do when he found out?

And he _would_ find out. He always did.

"It's okay Jace." Alec's voice was reassuring, calming, "I'm here to take you home." Jace couldn't fight the burst of hope flooding through him. This was more than he'd allowed himself to hope would happen. Alec here, for him. Still. After everything he'd done. Alec was talking as though Jace did in fact have a home to go to. It was too much to process so suddenly, so unexpectedly. It was too good to be true. Too easy.

"Alec?" Was all Jace managed to say. Alec stretched out his hand.

"Come with me." Alec was smiling, and Jace couldn't stop himself from taking his hand. Alec pulled him close, and feeling his parabatai here, real and tangible, Jace felt that hope taking hold. It didn't matter that this made no sense; he trusted that Alec knew what he was doing. That Alec had a plan. Maybe Magnus had somehow managed to find a way to track the ship and create a portal.

"Let's go." Jace pulled back, ready to follow wherever Alec led.

"I thought I raised you to have better manners, Jonathan." The sound of his father's voice made Jace's blood run cold. "Surely its polite to introduce your guest to your father?" Valentine's eyes were cold, his tone mocking. "Were you planning on going somewhere without telling me?" Jace knew the warning signs of his father's displeasure all too well, and the consequences they would bring, and a small part of him felt like the scared child he had once been, desperate to escape his father's wrath. The rest of him was consumed in a blind panic; not for himself, he was used to this game by now, but for Alec. Jace had to keep his parabatai safe. Instinctively his hand went for his seraph blade, but it wasn't there. Of course it wasn't; he was only allowed one at his father's behest.

Valentine's cruel smile made it clear he knew exactly what Jace was thinking and feeling. A quick glance behind him told Jace that Alec too was unarmed; Jace could only assume it was part of how Alec had got onto the ship undetected in the first place. They were outnumbered, and Valentine and each of his men were armed. Jace couldn't see any way out of this situation.

"Take them." Valentine's command rang through the air, and Jace prepared himself for the fight. He would not make it easy for them, and he knew Alec wouldn't either. They would fight together, for each other, as was right. Even if Jace still felt weak from the strained parabatai bond, even if Alec coming to save him or Jace's determination to keep Alec safe hadn't strengthened it. Jace barely had time to ponder why he couldn't feel the usual pre-battle surge of strength through the bond before Valentine's men descended on them. Valentine watched intently, a sadistic smirk on his face.

The fight itself was over fairly quickly, although Jace was satisfied that he'd got a few good blows in. But that was a small comfort as his arms were restrained by two of Valentine's strongest and, Jace knew from personal experience, cruellest Shadowhunters, with a seraph blade at his throat. To his dismay, he saw that Alec was in the same position. Jace tried to contain his fear over what would happen next.

For a moment that seemed to stretch on forever, there was silence. Everyone on the deck seemed to be waiting to see what Valentine's next move would be. Jace could hardly breathe.

Finally, Valentine walked forward, his gaze trained on Jace. It was as though he'd forgotten Alec was there. _Good,_ thought Jace, _Keep it that way._

"I must say I'm disappointed Jonathan, I thought we were making good progress." Valentine actually sounded hurt and disappointed, and despite himself Jace felt a little guilty. He could remember when his only purpose in life had been to make his father proud, "I thought I was getting through to you, finally. It seems I was wrong. The pull of your former life remains too strong. You are still weak, and I cannot tolerate weakness in anyone. Especially not in my own son." Jace wasn't sure what to say, if he should say anything. If he _could_ say anything to make this better.

Jace couldn't think straight. His father's words were hitting home, and he wanted to prove to his father that he wasn't weak. That he was good enough. But he also thought his father was wrong. It wasn't weak to want to be away from this place. It wasn't weak to want to be with Alec and Isabelle. He thought of something Clary had once said - _love makes you stronger -_ but as his father turned away and walked towards Alec, Jace knew he'd never felt so weak or so powerless.

"It was my fault." He managed to say, hating how desperate his voice sounded, knowing his father would hear it as a sign of weakness. But he had to try, "Alec doesn't understand, but I should have known better." His father turned back to face Jace, as he reached Alec.

"Yes, Jonathan, you should have. It's a matter of obedience. It's my job to teach you. To prove to you that love is weakness, that you need to cut the ties to your emotions if you want to excel as a Shadowhunter. This is for your own good, because I love you, son."

Before Jace could process what was happening Valentine raised his seraph blade, plunging it straight into Alec's heart.

 _No._

"Alec!" Jace cried as he watched his father rip the blade out of his parabatai's chest. Blood dripped from the blade, but Jace couldn't tear his eyes from Alec. His best friend. His brother. His parabatai. The Shadowhunters holding him stepped back and Alec fell to the ground, his eyes slipping closed. For a moment there was silence, other than the fading sound of Alec's desperate breaths. Then nothing.

Agony like nothing he'd known before coursed through Jace, and he began to struggle against the Shadowhunters who were restraining him.

He had to get to Alec. Alec was alone, and he needed Jace. Jace needed to find some proof that this wasn't real, that this hadn't just happened. That Alec wasn't… His captors' grip on his arms only grew stronger and, weak from his time on the ship, Jace was unable to fight them off.

Valentine glanced up from where he'd been wiping his seraph blade clean, his expression amused. He gave a wave of his hand.

"Release him."

As soon as he was able, Jace fell to his knees beside his parabatai. All he could see was Alec, lying unmoving in a pool of blood. Jace's shaking hands found no pulse, and the full horror of the truth of what Valentine had just done came rushing in. Jace hadn't realised he was crying until the first sob forced its way out of him. He didn't care that his father was watching. Deep inside he could feel the ever-present rage building with a renewed determination. He'd prove to his father that he wasn't weak once and for all, when he killed him. But right now even that thought barely registered. Jace was drowning in grief and guilt.

 _Alec._

He pulled Alec close, as though the gesture might bring him some comfort. Alec was lifeless in his arms, and Jace wanted to scream and to tear the world apart. He wanted to fade away into nothingness. He wanted the pain to stop and to see Alec smile again.

This was so wrong. Alec was supposed to live a long life. He was supposed to go on being the wonderful big brother he always had been to Izzy and Max. He had only just started to accept himself for who he really was, and Jace held him closer at the thought that Alec had only had a few weeks to truly be himself.

How would Isabelle survive this? Or Maryse and Robert? How would they explain it to _Max_? And Magnus… If it wasn't for Jace, Alec would be safe right now. He'd be living the life he deserved.

It was all Jace's fault.

"Alec, I'm so sorry." Jace whispered, before he found himself saying the traditional Shadowhunter farewell, "Ave atque vale."

"It's a waste, really," Valentine's voice cut harshly through Jace's thoughts, "Such potential snuffed out. Because of _you._ Because of your weakness. And look where it's got you." Valentine sneered. Jace kept his gaze to the ground. Over Alec's shoulder all he could see were Valentine's boots, standing in the blood.

"Your parabatai gone, because you were too _weak_ to see past your emotions to the truth of what needed to be done. I tried to teach you, before. I hope this lesson sticks." Each world drilled its way into Jace's head, adding to the swirling chorus of _It's all my fault_.

"Do you see now how love makes you weak? To love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be destroyed. Maybe this time you'll remember." Valentine crouched down in front of Jace, taking hold of his chin so he was forced to meet his eyes, "I'm doing this because I love you, and I know someday soon you'll understand." Valentine released him, and stood up, "If you don't learn quickly, next time it will be for real. I know what the death of a parabatai does to a Shadowhunter, and I hope I never have to inflict that fate upon you, my son."

A spark of confusion broke through Jace's grief and he felt himself reaching for the pull of his parabatai bond.

It was there. Weak, faint, but no different that it had been since he'd left with his father. He'd been so sure that Alec was dead, so blinded by agonising grief, that he'd failed to realise that he hadn't actually felt the bond break. Which meant despite feeling him lifeless in his arms, Alec… Despite himself Jace looked to his father in confusion. His mind couldn't keep track of his thoughts.

Valentine laughed, "The Lightwood boy was never here." He pulled the Mortal Cup from his pocket, and gave a signal. At once Alec, and the pool of blood, vanished. Jace fell backwards in shock. A shadowy figure shimmered into being beside Valentine, its red eyes glowing in the night. Jace couldn't breathe, couldn't understand what was happening, or why.

"You wanted so badly to be with your family-' Valentine said the word 'family' as though it disgusted him, "It was easy to convince your mind that your parabatai was here. Too easy, really. But that's what letting _love_ consume you does." Jace's head swam with the realisation; Valentine had used a demon to trick him. Alec had never been here. Alec wasn't gone. Alec was okay. A flicker of hope burst into Jace's heart again, as relief coursed through him. And fear. Now he knew what even a fraction of losing Alec felt like, he knew he couldn't survive it. And he knew his father would carry out his threats if it came to it.

"Why?" He asked before he could stop himself. It was all he could do to not sound like he was still falling apart. Everyone he loved was in danger, because of him. He knew they'd be looking for him. And he knew his father wouldn't hesitate.

"It is my duty to teach you, and I see you still have a lot to learn." He crouched down again, placing a hand on Jace's shoulder, "These people you care about serve only to weaken you. Once they know who you really are, they will turn on you. But I never will. I'm doing all of this for you." He moved his hand so it rested on Jace's cheek, and Jace couldn't help but flinch. Valentine sighed, and stood up.

"We've got a lot of work to do." He signalled to his men, "Take him back downstairs. I'll join you in a moment."

For once Jace didn't fight as he was roughly pulled to his feet. He didn't even feel fear for what they were going to do to him. Maybe he deserved it. He couldn't get the image of Alec's lifeless body out of his mind, or the knowledge that it had all been his fault. He knew he'd do anything that Valentine wanted if it meant Alec and his family were safe.

One thought slipped its way to the front of his thoughts; _Maybe love really is weakness after all._

* * *

"Jace!" He didn't need to turn around to know that it was Clary. Over the past few weeks it had often been Clary. Usually it was Alec. Sometimes it was Isabelle. More than once it had been Max, as though this wasn't the last place on earth he should, or would, be. It didn't matter that Jace knew it was a trick. Watching them die still felt real. He still felt helpless. He still woke screaming from nightmares of their lifeless faces.

Each time it had been so hard to quash the hope that it was real, and he could leave with them. So hard to control the fear that this time it was actually them and he was really watching them die.

He wasn't sure what it would take to convince his father that he understood the lesson. He wasn't sure that he _could_ understand.

All Jace knew was that he was tired. He was so tired of all of this.

"Jace?" Clary's voice came again, tinged with such concern and uncertainty that Jace almost believed it was really her.

He wouldn't fall for it this time, he wouldn't even look at her. She wasn't real.

He waited for her to come closer, letting her make the first move. As she reached out to put a hand on his shoulder, trying to get his attention, he struck. He would not fall for it this time.

In a flash he had her in a chokehold.

"I've had enough of your mind games."

* * *

This idea has been floating around in my head for a while now, with all the new teasers and trailers! I wanted to get it down before the series started!

We're so close now! I'm scared and excited!

Hope you enjoyed this! :)


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